Moving towards authenticity

Written on 4:02 PM by gracefully discovering:

When I first started this blog, I wrote about how I was searching to discover the real, true me and not who everyone wanted me to be- or thought I should be. To not try and be "Perfect Patty" for everyone else who attempts to see who I am.
For the longest I have always tried to live a life that would separate me from the statistic that I am "supposed" to be. By that I mean, growing up in the projects of Atlanta, I'm supposed to be uneducated, on welfare, unable to articulately speak, have a few different babies daddy's, work a menial job (if any job at all) and not have much going for myself. Since I was in 8th grade, I made the conscious decision that that was not who I wanted to be. I wanted to be different- I wanted to be like the girls who would come from Spelman and Clark Atlanta to volunteer at the community center. I wanted to be like some of my teachers that I looked up to. I wanted to be like Richard, my neighbor who went to Morehouse and then went to Medical School...and he still made time to help me with my math. I wanted to be something other than a girl from Mechanicsville. So I did!
I never wanted to do or say anything in public that would make me seem otherwise. I went to a Magnet High School outside of my neighborhood and began to associate with people who had different environments than I did. I became really close to my mentor Brenda whom I love so much for showing me life outside of the hood and really encouraging me to be my very best. I completely became this person that I had to be.
In my neighborhood, my friends and other people around would say that I was starting to act and talk "white" that I didn't act like I was from the hood. That I thought that I was better than them. None of that was true- I didn't think I was better than them...I just didn't want to be like so many of the people in my neighborhood. I completely shifted.
I remember the incident that helped me realize that I was taking this thing a bit over the top...I was in College- a few days from graduation and my girlfriends and I went out. We all were from different parts of the Country, so we would be going our separate ways and we had to celebrate!
Anyway- we went out to this bar...and I got WASTED. Now, I'm not a drinker...I have about a .01 tolerance for alcohol and I always get sick! That night I had 5 SHOTS OF PATRON and 2 cosmos...thanks to some random dudes in the bar who heard we all were graduating. Like I said, I was wasted...and my friend had to carry me to the car. Well we get back to campus (we all still stayed on campus) and before we walk in...I tell my friend to cover my head with a jacket so no one would see me in the ridiculous state that I was in. Her response was "Who in the hell do you think you are that you gotta be covered because you're drunk." I totally disregarded her, snatched the jacket and covered myself....walking blindly into the dorm! It wasn't until I took Brene's class in graduate school on Shame that I realized how crazy that incident was. What did I have to prove, who was I hiding from? My thought process that night was:
1. I am Miss CSU and I should not be representing myself this way
2. I am an RA and what would my residents think of me
3. I am the President of my Delta chapter- I have to set a standard
4. And DyMisha just does not do this kinda of mess....get sloppy drunk..NO that's not me.

That day in class, I had a revelation and I am so thankful for that. Today, I still try and present myself as this "perfect girl who has it all together" but I am doing a much better job than I was before of letting go of those expectations that I am completely putting on myself...because no one is saying "YOU HAVE TO BE THIS WAY."
My husband used to always say that I cared too much about what people thought...and I would argue him down that I didn't. But he was/is right.
As I am working on me...I am working to find that connection that Brene talks about in the article above. To be authentic and to be loved and accepted because of my flaws not despite them. I don't quite have the answer to why and how all of this came about...but it did....and it came full force. But i'm young and I have time to make that connection- If not for me, for my children. I want to be able to model that true authenticity for my children so that they can be wholeheartedly connected to those things that make us true authentic individuals.

I think I showed some true ordinary courage by putting myself out there like this. But I think it's all a part of the process.
still gracefully discovering......